My new life as a...... MOMMY!

I am a mother. Bryce Cole Gibson was born August 30, 2011.
J- hell, I might as well call him by his name, JOHN- and I continued to see each other. When my grandfather died he called and checked in on me multiple times a day while I was out of town, and his face was the first face I saw when I came back home.

Christmas day of 2010, my grandmother (mom's side) looked at me and asked me if I had something to tell her, I said 'no'. She looked me dead in the face and told me that I was pregnant. I had one of my infamous 'fish dreams'. I just KNEW it wasn't me. I even logged into facebook and made a post, asking who the heifer was that was pregnant. I was in denial.. No one had fish dreams about their own pregnancy, right? RIGHT?

YES THEY DO.

I went home the next day- I called in my rx for birth control pills and realized I was on my last day of placebo pills and not so much of a hint of a period. I didnt freak. I have had three miscarriages during my marriage, and was told that due to PCOS, I would have issues maintaining a pregnancy without assisted reproductive means or whatever. I just shut thoughts of having babies out of my head. I was on the pill to regulate my period. So- I have an extra pregnancy test from when my friend had a scare a few months earlier. I peed on the stick, debating whether or not I was going to go to Total Wine before or after my trip to the pharmacy. I almost forgot about the test, came back and looked at it and both lines were DARK PINK.

That's when I freaked.

I called John. He sounded like he could be sick. He was in Asheville (supposedly- more on that later) and said he was on his way. I called my parents who were cautiously optimistic. They had received these phone calls before, only for me to lose the babies days or a week or two later. I had a sinking feeling, not about the pregnancy, but about the dad- we had conversations about life before and he was adamant that he didnt want anymore children.

He came in, looking haggard. He didnt even want to look at the test. We both cried. I was scared that we were going through all of this and I was going to lose this baby. Then I thought about my finances. My debt. Having a baby out of wedlock- was I even going to keep this baby?

My pregnancy was horrible. Your coworker and your childs father should never be one in the same. The rumors were equally atrocious. Not everyone knew we were dating, so they made assumptions about who the childs father was. I was sick as a dog, and dealing with all of this.

And then there was John.

My first punch in the gut was when he told me that I had to get rid of the baby because he realized he missed his family and that he wanted his wife back. The second, was when I was around 8 weeks and he started getting vicious. He told me I was putting him through hell. He was going to kill himself, he hated this baby, he wasnt going to do anything, etc. Then I found out that he didnt lose his leg in an accident, it was a birth defect. He offered to tell me what it was, under one condition- that if he told me, I would terminate the pregnancy. We went back and forth, until I was about 4 months, and we finally stopped sleeping together. I couldnt have him disrespecting me and touching my body- something had to give.

I had the nasty morning sickness, I was swollen and hot and fat, and I gained about 45 lbs more than I should have. The people in my office talked about me like I was a DOG, and it was very hard to come into work sometimes knowing that I was the topic de jour in the office.

When I went into pre-term labor at 36 weeks, he wouldnt even take me to the hospital. When I finally had Bryce, on his due date, after 23 hrs and 55 minutes of labor and 4 epidurals (blasted crooked spine!) Bryce came into the world. I love my son more than life itself. A lot of the pain I carried with me left my body when they placed my little baby on my chest. After everything,all the crying I did when I was pregnant- i was blessed with the chunkiest, happiest, most adorable baby. Who happens to be a SPITTING IMAGE OF HIS FATHER...

The term father is so relative.

Round two of the drama began after Bryce was born. I sent his 'father' a text telling him I had the baby. He came to the hospital with a DNA test, which tore me up. I had absolutely no problem taking one. I only slept with John during the time we saw each other, and the fact that he questioned that hurt me more than I can put into words. During a particularly nasty argument when I was pregnant, he insinuated that I was a whore. Im not a virgin, but I have never had a one night stand, never really been lose with myself. We did have sex after our first date, which is something I had never done before. Ever. Im putting it all out here, so why lie. This is embarrassing enough as it is. I do not understand how I could be punished for that, by him, and he was there. I felt such an attraction to him. I wanted to go home, and him to go home, but I couldnt. I hope I never feel that way again, because it resulted in a lot of hurt for me. We were so attracted to each other, it was like a magnet. I let my guard down and let him come to my house, let him love me and linger over my body. I guess it was an experience that everyone has, or maybe not.

So we did the DNA test. He sat at the hospital and held his son, and cried. My family came in and out, and he said he would see us when we got out. And he did. He came to the house two days after we got home. He gave me some funds for things Bryce might need. We were never able to come to an agreement when I was pregnant- he brought up agreeing on something and I told him not now, we could do it soon, but this was a lot. I secretly hoped that we would be able to work on co-parenting in a mature way, and it seemed headed in that direction.

Things broke down shortly after that. I was on unpaid leave. I didnt expect him to pay MY bills, but I did expect him to step up with Bryce, and he sorta did. I asked for pampers and formula and I got them. But the visits to my apartment were very tense. I vowed not to argue in front of my son, and I kept that promise. But sometimes he was so mad when he came in the house, I was scared that he would snap. He exuded an anger, a rage at me that was so strong, it knocked off the mood in my house.

Then there was the insurance. He said he was going to put him on it, and the DAY before the last day to enroll him, he lied and said he couldnt. I had to take my 3 week old out in the rain to go down to Human Resources and add him to my policies. Then he started coming up short with his payments, saying things like "You knew it was going to be like this" and " I didnt want this anyway" as excuses. After a while I stopped arguing.

The kicker for me is the DNA test. He wouldnt give me a copy of the results. I didnt put his name on the birth certificate, so I needed something to prove Bryce's paternity in case something happened to John. He wouldnt. It was also at this time that I learned his parents didnt know they had another grandson. I saw this situation n slowly coming to a point where he wouldnt do anything at all without a 3rd party interference. So I enacted a plan.

I played nice. Didnt say anything when he flirted (didnt let him touch me though- YUCK) and I trucked down to the Child Support office, humbled and embarrassed. In addition to what we already had been through, our coworkers already knew enough of our business, and now they were going to be able to type in our name and see our child support case. And the fact that it was in paternity establishment status didnt help either. If I made $10,000.00 more a year, I would have seen Johns reaction when I told him I was pregnant, and changed my number. If I could manage taking care of him alone, I wouldnt even bother. I spoke with my Pastor, who is a man- and he disagreed, saying that he needs to be held accountable.

The second part of my plan was operation grandparents. This anal waste told me that since I had control over everything else, that it was up to him if, and when he told his parents. I said, ok, and left it alone. During my first week back, and another sleepless night over whether or not he was going to come through with the daycare money, I wrote his parents a letter, sent two pictures of the baby and mailed it. I was expecting a war, but thats not what I got.

He wasnt mad- just sent me a text saying that they got the letter I wrote, and to have a good nite. The next week he got the letter from child support. I expected a big to do over this, but that wasnt the case either. He asked if I would consider dropping the case if his parents placed me in their rental property for free. Um lets see let me live in a house that his name is on the deed to, hell no. I stated that if he had stuck to our original agreement, he wouldnt be making this crazy deal.

The next week when he came to pay for Bryce's daycare, he said his parents wanted to meet. The morning of the actual meeting, he asked me to breakfast. This m-f asked me not to tell his parents any details of our relationship or mention his non participation in my pregnancy. Then he told me that if there was anything to salvage with his marriage he wanted to save it.

I just hurt inside. If he had told me that he wanted his wife at any time during our relationship, I would have left him alone. I never wanted to be involved in any of this, and I feel terrible. I feel used, and discarded and really dumb. I dont think I deserve any pity, but I don't think I deserve to be lied to either. I was honest, and it got me no where. I fell for this man, and he just broke my heart completely. Im still trying to get over the things he said when I was pregnant, and being completely alone and talked about like a dog....

There are days when I cry and cry, but I have to get it together. One day I went to pick my son up from daycare.. My daycare lady looked at me and asked me what was wrong and I LOST it. I bawled. She comforted me, and never probed for details. I tried like hell to get it back together, but i hurt so bad and I couldn't. She told me to look at my baby, who was flashing one of his sloppy, gummy grins, and she told me that I have to pull it together for him. And I do. And the tomorrows are usually better.

But lets talk about Bryce. He is adorable, the best parts of me and John. Silky curly hair, long eyelashes and beautiful big eyes (from his dad) and my big expressive cheeks, button nose and tiny ears. He's a happy, active baby, and I am amused to see some of the acrobatics that he did in my womb. I love him. I have to make better decisions, for his sake. Im going to date again, eventually, but I have to be smarter. His father is the only man that he can ever see me grieve over. I cry sometimes when I have to take him to daycare. I dont worry about his care, but I miss him so much. I never thought I would have children, and I dont regret my son, but I hate that he was brought into the world under these circumstances. But I would do it all over again. Its just tough taking care of him, working, handling all the household duties and mending this broken heart of mine... But we will survive.

Christmas....yaaaaay :(

This is the first Christmas I will have without my granddaddy. He died December 11, 2010 after a long battle with cancer. My whold family dynamic has changed. I worry about my Dad so much- the pain of watching him lose his dad hurts more than the fact that my grandfather is gone. Things got really ugly between my dad's side of the family and me after my mom and dad divorced. I should have stayed in a child's place but I didn't, but time heals and good people forgive, and we don't even bring that stuff up anymore. I was there the day before he died.
There had been many ups and downs during Pop's illness, and there were a few times where I just knew that the phone call I was getting was the one. I talked to my dad on Friday the 10th, and the tone was different. He was talking about the stages a person goes through before death, and Dad said he felt the end as near. I got off the phone and headed straigt for hospice. The facility was so peaceful. There were sitting places, and gardens, and you could feel a calm presence in the facility.

My grandfather lay in the hospital bed looking like a shell of his former self. He was so small, and fragile looking. He wasn't responding- his eyes were half open and his mouth was also. I held his hand and talked to him. The craziest thing happened while I was there. He would be limp for the most part, and then suddenly he would get a burst of strength and yank his hands from ours and move his hands like he was conducting a choir- the expression on his face was as if he was hearing the best music ever. I took a picture of our hands, and left around 8:30. My family left around 930, with the exception of my grandma, who never left his side.

He left us a little after midnight. I will never forget that morning. I jumped in my car and drove back to hospice. I sat with his body and held his hand and rubbed his head and kissed him. I stayed (along with the rest of my family) until the funeral home came and took him. I was pretty composed until they brought him out zipped up in a bag, and it hadn't struck me that he was gone, and I was telling them that he couldn't breathe because his face was covered.

You can try to prepare yourself for death, but when it comes everything changes. I couldn't even watch them close the casket. I'm not ready as I thought I was to write about this right now.

Why, what's up?

August to now seems like a blur. Life changes so much that its hard to keep up. I'm kinda single. I'm still dealing with the guy I subconsciously left Daniel for. Its a confusing type of situation.We click but there is so much emotional mess that we are carrying from our perspective situations and life experiences, it gets in the way. I know that I do need to learn patience, you know, let things flow. Let's see. He met my mom, which i didn't exactly plan on. We have gone from private dalliances to being semi public. We work together so we try to remain professional. I get torn sometimes because its weird to be with him the night before and then the very next day try to maintain my composure when I want to do is stroke his hair or kiss him. I've met his son, who looks just like his mom, I'd imagined because I didn't see too much of his father in him other than his hair.

J (as he will be referred to) asked me the other day if I was falling in love with him. I gave him a quick no. I would need a few more actual dates and more time to conclude that. After a nasty divorce I have learned not to give my love so freely. I asked him, and he said he wasn't going to answer that. I'm like, wth does that mean? I like this feeling. I feel so sexy, and alive. Its a good reinforcement of what I already feel about myself to come in every morning and be told how great I look. I try really hard to put effort to look good. You gotta dress for the part you eventually want to play. I love going to his desk and see how he's dressed for the day. I like to come behind him and see the precision of his haircut, and his curls all over his head. I really like this guy.

I never said anything about my feelings to any real extent, but then he started changing on me. He started coming by just to come by, and for nothing else. He relaxed and opened up to me about his life, his marriage and his fears for the future. The days of me wishing to hear from him everyday are gone, because I do. I would have never thought this would be like it is, but if it changes tomorrow, its okay too. Life is just like that. The turning point for me was when he drove down to my mom's house when i was out of town to see me for a few hours. I didn't actually believe that he would drive all the way down. When he came in, he hugged me close and whispered in my ear," I don't want you to get the big head but I missed you."
Ahhhhhh.

But doesn't it always begin on that note?

I was having a conversation regarding my ex, and I was like, once he said that he loved me and wanted to get married, he stopped actually courting me. Our 'dates' turned into him grabbing the latest bootleg available and me cooking dinner or him grabbing takeout. It was like, hey, I want to marry you- why don't we fast forward twenty years and get to the (not so good) part. I couldn't take it. I realized there was no compromise and no passion. No compromise because I would always drive to his house before I got my own place. Granted, my former roommate used our old house as her not for profit whorehouse, but the only time he came to see me was when I was sick and sedated and couldn't drive. I drove in the snow. When I was commuting for a month and driving 140 miles a day, he would ask me to grab dinner when I would stay with him on the days I was too exhausted to drive all the way back to Kannapolis from Greensboro. And, he was off from work.

I do believe in God, and I identify as a Christian. However, I openly admit that I struggle with premarital sex. How do you go from having sex 4-5 times a week as a young 20 something, and then its over, gone, poof. And you meet somebody else and the urges don't go away. Wrong is wrong, but I resolved to have no one night stands and to not throw my body around. But I have been active in my relationships and this whatever you want to call it with J. Daniel and I waited for quite some time before doing the deed, and the first time, it was wonderful. We spent time establishing a bond and a connection. I spent a long time just enjoying his kisses and thinking about how he smelled. That night, it was so sweet. He was caring and attentive, and I was so into. It was never that way again. I would be so frustrated because I wasn't getting anything out of the deal. I was so happy to be with someone who was so nice to me and really genuinely cared about me as person and not for how he could benefit from me, I figured that with time and some conversations about things, it would get better. My suggestions of how to make sure we both were getting what we needed were met with the defiance of a three year old not wanting to go to bed. No lie. That or he would insist that he was doing what I asked of him. I was there he was NOT. The whole relationship boiled down to his refusal to try and do better at anything. I have been married before. I learned from that experience that the person is who they are, and they aren't going to change and magically become your perfect match. If you do try to change them, then it will be temporary or will be begrudgingly done. Been there, and its not a way to live.

He got frustrated at the end. And I did too. What was wrong with me? But I don't think it was me, other than the fact that my emotions were all jacked up because there was a silent third party in the relationship that he doesn't know about. He said all I cared about was my image (didn't know I had one) and I thought, he didn't care enough about anything. It just wasn't going to work. What made me feel like dirt was the fact that a few weeks later, it was raining and my battery in my truck died. Kaput. I called J, and he had his son that night. He said he would bundle up the lil cutie and come give me a jump. I felt guilty because he would be bringing a sleepy three year old out in the rain. I told him to let me call a friend that was closer first, and I would call him back. I called Daniel and he was there 10 minutes later. I left him, but he was there for me. That's not enough. And sure, there is a lot of baggage that comes with being with J, but for now, I would like to see where it goes. You only live once. And no, I am not going to run back to Daniel if things don't go well. That's a sucker move and more disrespectful to him than I already have been.

J and I have a little thing going. I'm going to be a complete idiot and see where it goes.

Why, what's up?

UGH...

Sometimes I don't like myself. I'm not talking about hair or weight or pimples. I'm talking about a strong distaste for my own ways. I was completely warned. What did I do? I allowed my feelings to get involved. Its like this every time and damn, have I not learned anything yet. I just don't know how long I can keep this up. I have my own issues, my grandfather is dying, and then there is this guy situation. It makes me feel less than, like I deserve better. But then, its like, Brandice, what can yiu expect? I need a nap.

It's far from over...

This week has been both trying and frustrating. uhhhhh. How do I start.
I had an affair. It started because I felt neglected in my relationship. I didn't get the time and attention that I needed. I did get it from the new person.
It's only been going on for a few weeks, but I couldn't keep the double life thing going.
I broke up with Daniel. He doesn't know. I told him everything but that.I just couldn't keep it up. I am so confused, and so hurt. I put all of this on myself.
As much as I know about the new person, I like. But he has his own situation that he needs to resolve.
I am upset because I have received more attention and focus from a stranger in the last two weeks than I have received in a year with Daniel.
I woke up one day and reaalized that things in its present form with Daniel weren't going to work. I needed more time, more attention. I need to feel more than safe and comfortable. I wanted to feel special. I don't know if Daniel can do that. And I don't want to change him because I don't want him to resent me later on.

I look at the new guy and I think, wow. But I didn't leave Daniel for anyone but myself.

I never thought

It always sucks to be cheated on. Trust me, I know. IU villified the cheater, not understanding how you could love someone but spend any kind of intimate time (not just sexual) with anyone else. Then it happened to me.

I don't know if it was a fear of long term comittment, but a chance conversation turned into something else. we used to just speak to each other in passing. Then it would become more frequent. Then just like a blur, we are out having dinner and he kissed me. I always thought he was gorgeous, and I didn't intend for things to come to this point.
I am confused, but I brought this on myself.

I love Daniel so much, but does that mean he is the one? Why am I so confused?

Whaaaat?

HMMMMMMMMN.....