I am a mother. Bryce Cole Gibson was born August 30, 2011.
J- hell, I might as well call him by his name, JOHN- and I continued to see each other. When my grandfather died he called and checked in on me multiple times a day while I was out of town, and his face was the first face I saw when I came back home.
Christmas day of 2010, my grandmother (mom's side) looked at me and asked me if I had something to tell her, I said 'no'. She looked me dead in the face and told me that I was pregnant. I had one of my infamous 'fish dreams'. I just KNEW it wasn't me. I even logged into facebook and made a post, asking who the heifer was that was pregnant. I was in denial.. No one had fish dreams about their own pregnancy, right? RIGHT?
YES THEY DO.
I went home the next day- I called in my rx for birth control pills and realized I was on my last day of placebo pills and not so much of a hint of a period. I didnt freak. I have had three miscarriages during my marriage, and was told that due to PCOS, I would have issues maintaining a pregnancy without assisted reproductive means or whatever. I just shut thoughts of having babies out of my head. I was on the pill to regulate my period. So- I have an extra pregnancy test from when my friend had a scare a few months earlier. I peed on the stick, debating whether or not I was going to go to Total Wine before or after my trip to the pharmacy. I almost forgot about the test, came back and looked at it and both lines were DARK PINK.
That's when I freaked.
I called John. He sounded like he could be sick. He was in Asheville (supposedly- more on that later) and said he was on his way. I called my parents who were cautiously optimistic. They had received these phone calls before, only for me to lose the babies days or a week or two later. I had a sinking feeling, not about the pregnancy, but about the dad- we had conversations about life before and he was adamant that he didnt want anymore children.
He came in, looking haggard. He didnt even want to look at the test. We both cried. I was scared that we were going through all of this and I was going to lose this baby. Then I thought about my finances. My debt. Having a baby out of wedlock- was I even going to keep this baby?
My pregnancy was horrible. Your coworker and your childs father should never be one in the same. The rumors were equally atrocious. Not everyone knew we were dating, so they made assumptions about who the childs father was. I was sick as a dog, and dealing with all of this.
And then there was John.
My first punch in the gut was when he told me that I had to get rid of the baby because he realized he missed his family and that he wanted his wife back. The second, was when I was around 8 weeks and he started getting vicious. He told me I was putting him through hell. He was going to kill himself, he hated this baby, he wasnt going to do anything, etc. Then I found out that he didnt lose his leg in an accident, it was a birth defect. He offered to tell me what it was, under one condition- that if he told me, I would terminate the pregnancy. We went back and forth, until I was about 4 months, and we finally stopped sleeping together. I couldnt have him disrespecting me and touching my body- something had to give.
I had the nasty morning sickness, I was swollen and hot and fat, and I gained about 45 lbs more than I should have. The people in my office talked about me like I was a DOG, and it was very hard to come into work sometimes knowing that I was the topic de jour in the office.
When I went into pre-term labor at 36 weeks, he wouldnt even take me to the hospital. When I finally had Bryce, on his due date, after 23 hrs and 55 minutes of labor and 4 epidurals (blasted crooked spine!) Bryce came into the world. I love my son more than life itself. A lot of the pain I carried with me left my body when they placed my little baby on my chest. After everything,all the crying I did when I was pregnant- i was blessed with the chunkiest, happiest, most adorable baby. Who happens to be a SPITTING IMAGE OF HIS FATHER...
The term father is so relative.
Round two of the drama began after Bryce was born. I sent his 'father' a text telling him I had the baby. He came to the hospital with a DNA test, which tore me up. I had absolutely no problem taking one. I only slept with John during the time we saw each other, and the fact that he questioned that hurt me more than I can put into words. During a particularly nasty argument when I was pregnant, he insinuated that I was a whore. Im not a virgin, but I have never had a one night stand, never really been lose with myself. We did have sex after our first date, which is something I had never done before. Ever. Im putting it all out here, so why lie. This is embarrassing enough as it is. I do not understand how I could be punished for that, by him, and he was there. I felt such an attraction to him. I wanted to go home, and him to go home, but I couldnt. I hope I never feel that way again, because it resulted in a lot of hurt for me. We were so attracted to each other, it was like a magnet. I let my guard down and let him come to my house, let him love me and linger over my body. I guess it was an experience that everyone has, or maybe not.
So we did the DNA test. He sat at the hospital and held his son, and cried. My family came in and out, and he said he would see us when we got out. And he did. He came to the house two days after we got home. He gave me some funds for things Bryce might need. We were never able to come to an agreement when I was pregnant- he brought up agreeing on something and I told him not now, we could do it soon, but this was a lot. I secretly hoped that we would be able to work on co-parenting in a mature way, and it seemed headed in that direction.
Things broke down shortly after that. I was on unpaid leave. I didnt expect him to pay MY bills, but I did expect him to step up with Bryce, and he sorta did. I asked for pampers and formula and I got them. But the visits to my apartment were very tense. I vowed not to argue in front of my son, and I kept that promise. But sometimes he was so mad when he came in the house, I was scared that he would snap. He exuded an anger, a rage at me that was so strong, it knocked off the mood in my house.
Then there was the insurance. He said he was going to put him on it, and the DAY before the last day to enroll him, he lied and said he couldnt. I had to take my 3 week old out in the rain to go down to Human Resources and add him to my policies. Then he started coming up short with his payments, saying things like "You knew it was going to be like this" and " I didnt want this anyway" as excuses. After a while I stopped arguing.
The kicker for me is the DNA test. He wouldnt give me a copy of the results. I didnt put his name on the birth certificate, so I needed something to prove Bryce's paternity in case something happened to John. He wouldnt. It was also at this time that I learned his parents didnt know they had another grandson. I saw this situation n slowly coming to a point where he wouldnt do anything at all without a 3rd party interference. So I enacted a plan.
I played nice. Didnt say anything when he flirted (didnt let him touch me though- YUCK) and I trucked down to the Child Support office, humbled and embarrassed. In addition to what we already had been through, our coworkers already knew enough of our business, and now they were going to be able to type in our name and see our child support case. And the fact that it was in paternity establishment status didnt help either. If I made $10,000.00 more a year, I would have seen Johns reaction when I told him I was pregnant, and changed my number. If I could manage taking care of him alone, I wouldnt even bother. I spoke with my Pastor, who is a man- and he disagreed, saying that he needs to be held accountable.
The second part of my plan was operation grandparents. This anal waste told me that since I had control over everything else, that it was up to him if, and when he told his parents. I said, ok, and left it alone. During my first week back, and another sleepless night over whether or not he was going to come through with the daycare money, I wrote his parents a letter, sent two pictures of the baby and mailed it. I was expecting a war, but thats not what I got.
He wasnt mad- just sent me a text saying that they got the letter I wrote, and to have a good nite. The next week he got the letter from child support. I expected a big to do over this, but that wasnt the case either. He asked if I would consider dropping the case if his parents placed me in their rental property for free. Um lets see let me live in a house that his name is on the deed to, hell no. I stated that if he had stuck to our original agreement, he wouldnt be making this crazy deal.
The next week when he came to pay for Bryce's daycare, he said his parents wanted to meet. The morning of the actual meeting, he asked me to breakfast. This m-f asked me not to tell his parents any details of our relationship or mention his non participation in my pregnancy. Then he told me that if there was anything to salvage with his marriage he wanted to save it.
I just hurt inside. If he had told me that he wanted his wife at any time during our relationship, I would have left him alone. I never wanted to be involved in any of this, and I feel terrible. I feel used, and discarded and really dumb. I dont think I deserve any pity, but I don't think I deserve to be lied to either. I was honest, and it got me no where. I fell for this man, and he just broke my heart completely. Im still trying to get over the things he said when I was pregnant, and being completely alone and talked about like a dog....
There are days when I cry and cry, but I have to get it together. One day I went to pick my son up from daycare.. My daycare lady looked at me and asked me what was wrong and I LOST it. I bawled. She comforted me, and never probed for details. I tried like hell to get it back together, but i hurt so bad and I couldn't. She told me to look at my baby, who was flashing one of his sloppy, gummy grins, and she told me that I have to pull it together for him. And I do. And the tomorrows are usually better.
But lets talk about Bryce. He is adorable, the best parts of me and John. Silky curly hair, long eyelashes and beautiful big eyes (from his dad) and my big expressive cheeks, button nose and tiny ears. He's a happy, active baby, and I am amused to see some of the acrobatics that he did in my womb. I love him. I have to make better decisions, for his sake. Im going to date again, eventually, but I have to be smarter. His father is the only man that he can ever see me grieve over. I cry sometimes when I have to take him to daycare. I dont worry about his care, but I miss him so much. I never thought I would have children, and I dont regret my son, but I hate that he was brought into the world under these circumstances. But I would do it all over again. Its just tough taking care of him, working, handling all the household duties and mending this broken heart of mine... But we will survive.
