Christmas....yaaaaay :(

This is the first Christmas I will have without my granddaddy. He died December 11, 2010 after a long battle with cancer. My whold family dynamic has changed. I worry about my Dad so much- the pain of watching him lose his dad hurts more than the fact that my grandfather is gone. Things got really ugly between my dad's side of the family and me after my mom and dad divorced. I should have stayed in a child's place but I didn't, but time heals and good people forgive, and we don't even bring that stuff up anymore. I was there the day before he died.
There had been many ups and downs during Pop's illness, and there were a few times where I just knew that the phone call I was getting was the one. I talked to my dad on Friday the 10th, and the tone was different. He was talking about the stages a person goes through before death, and Dad said he felt the end as near. I got off the phone and headed straigt for hospice. The facility was so peaceful. There were sitting places, and gardens, and you could feel a calm presence in the facility.

My grandfather lay in the hospital bed looking like a shell of his former self. He was so small, and fragile looking. He wasn't responding- his eyes were half open and his mouth was also. I held his hand and talked to him. The craziest thing happened while I was there. He would be limp for the most part, and then suddenly he would get a burst of strength and yank his hands from ours and move his hands like he was conducting a choir- the expression on his face was as if he was hearing the best music ever. I took a picture of our hands, and left around 8:30. My family left around 930, with the exception of my grandma, who never left his side.

He left us a little after midnight. I will never forget that morning. I jumped in my car and drove back to hospice. I sat with his body and held his hand and rubbed his head and kissed him. I stayed (along with the rest of my family) until the funeral home came and took him. I was pretty composed until they brought him out zipped up in a bag, and it hadn't struck me that he was gone, and I was telling them that he couldn't breathe because his face was covered.

You can try to prepare yourself for death, but when it comes everything changes. I couldn't even watch them close the casket. I'm not ready as I thought I was to write about this right now.