Yesterday.

Yesterday was a little rough for me. I used to hear people talk about the two year anniversary of this, and the sixth month anniversary of that, and honestly, I would think, get over it already.

I have learned that one significant life event can change your whole outlook on life. Take me for instance... Do I want my ex husband back. Heavens no.... Never. But the end of our marriage feels like an astronomical failure, and one that has shaped a lot of the things in my life since then. Not so much in a bad way.

I take responsibility for the fact that I wasn't mature enough to make the decision to be a wife- not immature, like partying and selfish, but immature as in I had figured myself out yet, and I wasn't sure of myself at the time. I am just so much more cautious now. You know, I don't date men that need to be fixed, and I am fixing myself.

But back to yesterday. My body went into this depressive slump, and I just couldn't shake myself out of it. By the time I got home from work, I figured the best way to deal with it was to sleep until it was no longer the 28th, and I did. And now I'm fine.

Except for the fact that I neglected my bf yesterday and I felt bad. He didn't do anything. As time goes on, I will talk more about Daniel. I love him. He is first and foremost my best friend. He took on the rigorous task of dealing with my paranoia about commitment. He knows everything that happened and allowed me to express myself without letting his machismo kick in and question if I was still stuck in the past. He's been patient and loving and kind, and I don;t know what my definition of love is at this point. But I would have to say I think this is it. I trust him. I have never had that gut feeling of dishonesty. I try not to look too much into what may or may not happen, but I feel comfortable enough to say that if I ever would make a marital commitment again, it would be to him or someone like him. He's just been so patient and kind, and I feel like I am not missing out on anything m\be exclusively being with him. And yet, he didn't deserve my indifference yesterday. I have apologized.

I made the decision to finally let some things go. I decided after two years of dreaming about and wondering about my ex, I was going to let him completely out of my heart. I can totally see some people reading this and being like,"Why is she in a relationship and still all stuck on her ex?" I'm not, really, but I REALLY was in it for the long run. I knew I really loved him and that is why this has been a slow process.

Yesterday I unloved him. I don't have room in my heart for him anymore.

Irony

How ironic is it that I start my new blog which is technically the beginning by talking about the end? Morbid.
So, a little about me. I'm 28... Single but in a relationship. And I am adjusting to the past few years after a divorce. Long story short, I met him at 22, married him at 23 and divorced him at 26. No children, no house to split, but a whole lot of drama. And no, I am not bitter or scorned. According to a personality test I took, I am an INFJ type, or whatever that means, but supposedly I am not prone to revenge.

Just like everyone that gets married (I think) I loved my former spouse. We were young, and we had dreams, but we had ISSUES. I dreamed of a cute three bedroom and kids, and he was dealing with some major stuff. I don't want to promote negativity. I have had enough of that in my life. When I talk about him, I'm not being negative, I am describing my feelings at the time.

My husband was a sex addict.

I used to watch intervention and think, "Wow, how does the family deal?" And I was in the middle of it myself. I've been out of college for a while, so please correct me if I am wrong. But does the DSM even recognise sexual addiction as a mental disorder? If not, from research and experience, they should.

I thought the cheating that happened while we were dating (at least what I knew at the time) was an isolated incident. Um no.

Four months into our marriage, my husband admitted that he spent money on prostitutes after I found a condom wrapper in our car. We were supposed to be trying for a baby. How did it start? According to him, he was on a chat line when he was 18. Instead of a hot girl being at the meeting spot, an older guy was there. He was talked into performing some fallacious acts, and there you have it. And yes, he was having same sex encounters as well. And yes, I stayed. At first.

People have different ideas on homosexuality and bisexuality. My opinion is that whatever you are into is fine. However, I do not think it is honest to enter into a monogamous relationship without divulging information like this. Give the other party the option as to whether or not they want to be involved after a full disclosure.

So what is this blog about?
Me.
Brandice.
Healing and learning, regaining self esteem and independence, and learning how to love again without being defined as the other half of SOMETHING.


You going on the journey with me?