August to now seems like a blur. Life changes so much that its hard to keep up. I'm kinda single. I'm still dealing with the guy I subconsciously left Daniel for. Its a confusing type of situation.We click but there is so much emotional mess that we are carrying from our perspective situations and life experiences, it gets in the way. I know that I do need to learn patience, you know, let things flow. Let's see. He met my mom, which i didn't exactly plan on. We have gone from private dalliances to being semi public. We work together so we try to remain professional. I get torn sometimes because its weird to be with him the night before and then the very next day try to maintain my composure when I want to do is stroke his hair or kiss him. I've met his son, who looks just like his mom, I'd imagined because I didn't see too much of his father in him other than his hair.
J (as he will be referred to) asked me the other day if I was falling in love with him. I gave him a quick no. I would need a few more actual dates and more time to conclude that. After a nasty divorce I have learned not to give my love so freely. I asked him, and he said he wasn't going to answer that. I'm like, wth does that mean? I like this feeling. I feel so sexy, and alive. Its a good reinforcement of what I already feel about myself to come in every morning and be told how great I look. I try really hard to put effort to look good. You gotta dress for the part you eventually want to play. I love going to his desk and see how he's dressed for the day. I like to come behind him and see the precision of his haircut, and his curls all over his head. I really like this guy.
I never said anything about my feelings to any real extent, but then he started changing on me. He started coming by just to come by, and for nothing else. He relaxed and opened up to me about his life, his marriage and his fears for the future. The days of me wishing to hear from him everyday are gone, because I do. I would have never thought this would be like it is, but if it changes tomorrow, its okay too. Life is just like that. The turning point for me was when he drove down to my mom's house when i was out of town to see me for a few hours. I didn't actually believe that he would drive all the way down. When he came in, he hugged me close and whispered in my ear," I don't want you to get the big head but I missed you."
Ahhhhhh.
But doesn't it always begin on that note?
I was having a conversation regarding my ex, and I was like, once he said that he loved me and wanted to get married, he stopped actually courting me. Our 'dates' turned into him grabbing the latest bootleg available and me cooking dinner or him grabbing takeout. It was like, hey, I want to marry you- why don't we fast forward twenty years and get to the (not so good) part. I couldn't take it. I realized there was no compromise and no passion. No compromise because I would always drive to his house before I got my own place. Granted, my former roommate used our old house as her not for profit whorehouse, but the only time he came to see me was when I was sick and sedated and couldn't drive. I drove in the snow. When I was commuting for a month and driving 140 miles a day, he would ask me to grab dinner when I would stay with him on the days I was too exhausted to drive all the way back to Kannapolis from Greensboro. And, he was off from work.
I do believe in God, and I identify as a Christian. However, I openly admit that I struggle with premarital sex. How do you go from having sex 4-5 times a week as a young 20 something, and then its over, gone, poof. And you meet somebody else and the urges don't go away. Wrong is wrong, but I resolved to have no one night stands and to not throw my body around. But I have been active in my relationships and this whatever you want to call it with J. Daniel and I waited for quite some time before doing the deed, and the first time, it was wonderful. We spent time establishing a bond and a connection. I spent a long time just enjoying his kisses and thinking about how he smelled. That night, it was so sweet. He was caring and attentive, and I was so into. It was never that way again. I would be so frustrated because I wasn't getting anything out of the deal. I was so happy to be with someone who was so nice to me and really genuinely cared about me as person and not for how he could benefit from me, I figured that with time and some conversations about things, it would get better. My suggestions of how to make sure we both were getting what we needed were met with the defiance of a three year old not wanting to go to bed. No lie. That or he would insist that he was doing what I asked of him. I was there he was NOT. The whole relationship boiled down to his refusal to try and do better at anything. I have been married before. I learned from that experience that the person is who they are, and they aren't going to change and magically become your perfect match. If you do try to change them, then it will be temporary or will be begrudgingly done. Been there, and its not a way to live.
He got frustrated at the end. And I did too. What was wrong with me? But I don't think it was me, other than the fact that my emotions were all jacked up because there was a silent third party in the relationship that he doesn't know about. He said all I cared about was my image (didn't know I had one) and I thought, he didn't care enough about anything. It just wasn't going to work. What made me feel like dirt was the fact that a few weeks later, it was raining and my battery in my truck died. Kaput. I called J, and he had his son that night. He said he would bundle up the lil cutie and come give me a jump. I felt guilty because he would be bringing a sleepy three year old out in the rain. I told him to let me call a friend that was closer first, and I would call him back. I called Daniel and he was there 10 minutes later. I left him, but he was there for me. That's not enough. And sure, there is a lot of baggage that comes with being with J, but for now, I would like to see where it goes. You only live once. And no, I am not going to run back to Daniel if things don't go well. That's a sucker move and more disrespectful to him than I already have been.
J and I have a little thing going. I'm going to be a complete idiot and see where it goes.
Why, what's up?
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