It always sucks to be cheated on. Trust me, I know. IU villified the cheater, not understanding how you could love someone but spend any kind of intimate time (not just sexual) with anyone else. Then it happened to me.
I don't know if it was a fear of long term comittment, but a chance conversation turned into something else. we used to just speak to each other in passing. Then it would become more frequent. Then just like a blur, we are out having dinner and he kissed me. I always thought he was gorgeous, and I didn't intend for things to come to this point.
I am confused, but I brought this on myself.
I love Daniel so much, but does that mean he is the one? Why am I so confused?
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Thursday, August 5, 2010
All over the place
Im in a scatterbrained state today. I am miffed that because I finally stopped an unhealthy habit, I am paying for it by gaining weight, so WeightWatchers here I come. I can't eat baked chicken and broccoli for the rest of my life. Its not a way to live.....
So, um, yeah, I gave a big old spiel about the ex, and the more I think of it, the less I will talk about him unless I'm in the mood. Onward and forward. I wish I could go back to 23 year old Brandice and tell her to get herself together before becoming someone's other half. I feel I am just as much to blame as my former spouse because I stayed. I tried to work things out, but eventually you have to have a shred of decency ("Brandice, I just can't be faithful to you." Yeah, that will do it) and say enough. Hopefully you haven't completely lost yourself by the time the lightbulb comes on. Good news- if you have, you can get it back.
There is no fairytale ending to my story, but I am NOT SAD, by any means. Let's see, I got a really good job where I feel like I am respected. I have my own apartment and I am a strong sexy creature of God that wears makeup everyday but can unclog her own sink and change her own brakelight, thank you very much.
I figured this go around, I would be more independent. So far so good. And then I met somebody.
I spent my time separated from my husband getting back into being single, since I hadn't been since I was 22. I went on good dates, I went on bad dates. I was seeing this one guy, but I couldnt have a boyfriend and be legally married, and he, well, he was country. But it was what I needed at the time. Then things kinda got jumbled when my ex broke into my house and vandalized my car. So me and the new guy spent some time apart. Big mistake.
I got to thinking, hmmmm. I am sorta free, so I am going to have fun! I went out with my friends, hung out with my girls. We came to the club together, and we left the club together. We would walk downtown Greensboro with a slight buzz from the $10 drinks at the bar, sweaty from dancing in our cute little girlie circles, looking for the pizza spot that stayed open until 4AM. So I got to thinking, this is what was missing in my early 20's. I should have been doing THIS. I has lost some weight, I changed my hair, and I was HAPPY!
Then I met Daniel.
I won't ever forget May 2, 2009. We were at the neighborhood bar, and I was enjoying my $1 beer and basket of french fries. Out of the corner of my eye I spot this really nice looking guy, and his BUTTUGLY friend. Old ButtUgly was giving me the eye, and I kept thinking, "Lord, please don't let the ugly one come over here." Yeah, I really did pray that. The phrase God knows my heart has a special meaning with me. I looked at the cute friend, and there was something so warm and honest about his eyes. He was dressed neat, and had enough of a touch of jewelry on to let me know that he cared about his appearance. I didn't want ButtUgly to come my way... I locked eyes with the nice looking one (Daniel) and turned my attention elsewhere.
I have a habit of going off into my own thoughts. I can be thinking pleasant things, or going over bills in my head, but I have the mean old lady screw face. Its a trait. We all do it. The next thing I know, I smell the best cologne and look up and there is good looking!!!!!!!
He asked why I looked like I was ready to shoot up the bar. I laughed, and I have been laughing ever since. I was ten days shy of my divorce being final. I was still dealing with old boy from way back. I honestly contemplated seeing them both, but I couldn't do it. I felt like I would be cheating on Daniel. Daniel persued me. Not that I made him chase me, but he called. Daily. He texted, and actually picked me up for dates (this is foreign in this millenium) and always paid. He is stable. Financially and employment as well. He has worked for the same company in different capacities for te last ten years. We talked about our families, our lives, our fears and hopes and dreams. He was super patient with me and didn't run away when I told him everything (sorry mom) that I had been through. He asked me if I was ok, and then told me he was honored that I could talk to him about it. I can't believe I would ever say this again, but I trust him. He is good with his money, and fair with his emotions and heart. I would be honored to be his wife and the mother of his children should God see fit. If he isn't the one, that's ok with me. He is definitely the prototype.
I'm smarter this time too. I took my time, because I would rather be alone than to be in an oppressive love. We do not live together. I have explained that I feel that he will respect me in the long run. We aren't virgins. Can we have something new should we decide to get married? Can we make it easier on ourselves if we break up? Im not on a race down the aisle. He isn't either. He's in his 30's with no children, and has never been married. Just like I like em :)-
If we don't make it, its okay, because as much as I think I love him, I love me more!!!!
So, um, yeah, I gave a big old spiel about the ex, and the more I think of it, the less I will talk about him unless I'm in the mood. Onward and forward. I wish I could go back to 23 year old Brandice and tell her to get herself together before becoming someone's other half. I feel I am just as much to blame as my former spouse because I stayed. I tried to work things out, but eventually you have to have a shred of decency ("Brandice, I just can't be faithful to you." Yeah, that will do it) and say enough. Hopefully you haven't completely lost yourself by the time the lightbulb comes on. Good news- if you have, you can get it back.
There is no fairytale ending to my story, but I am NOT SAD, by any means. Let's see, I got a really good job where I feel like I am respected. I have my own apartment and I am a strong sexy creature of God that wears makeup everyday but can unclog her own sink and change her own brakelight, thank you very much.
I figured this go around, I would be more independent. So far so good. And then I met somebody.
I spent my time separated from my husband getting back into being single, since I hadn't been since I was 22. I went on good dates, I went on bad dates. I was seeing this one guy, but I couldnt have a boyfriend and be legally married, and he, well, he was country. But it was what I needed at the time. Then things kinda got jumbled when my ex broke into my house and vandalized my car. So me and the new guy spent some time apart. Big mistake.
I got to thinking, hmmmm. I am sorta free, so I am going to have fun! I went out with my friends, hung out with my girls. We came to the club together, and we left the club together. We would walk downtown Greensboro with a slight buzz from the $10 drinks at the bar, sweaty from dancing in our cute little girlie circles, looking for the pizza spot that stayed open until 4AM. So I got to thinking, this is what was missing in my early 20's. I should have been doing THIS. I has lost some weight, I changed my hair, and I was HAPPY!
Then I met Daniel.
I won't ever forget May 2, 2009. We were at the neighborhood bar, and I was enjoying my $1 beer and basket of french fries. Out of the corner of my eye I spot this really nice looking guy, and his BUTTUGLY friend. Old ButtUgly was giving me the eye, and I kept thinking, "Lord, please don't let the ugly one come over here." Yeah, I really did pray that. The phrase God knows my heart has a special meaning with me. I looked at the cute friend, and there was something so warm and honest about his eyes. He was dressed neat, and had enough of a touch of jewelry on to let me know that he cared about his appearance. I didn't want ButtUgly to come my way... I locked eyes with the nice looking one (Daniel) and turned my attention elsewhere.
I have a habit of going off into my own thoughts. I can be thinking pleasant things, or going over bills in my head, but I have the mean old lady screw face. Its a trait. We all do it. The next thing I know, I smell the best cologne and look up and there is good looking!!!!!!!
He asked why I looked like I was ready to shoot up the bar. I laughed, and I have been laughing ever since. I was ten days shy of my divorce being final. I was still dealing with old boy from way back. I honestly contemplated seeing them both, but I couldn't do it. I felt like I would be cheating on Daniel. Daniel persued me. Not that I made him chase me, but he called. Daily. He texted, and actually picked me up for dates (this is foreign in this millenium) and always paid. He is stable. Financially and employment as well. He has worked for the same company in different capacities for te last ten years. We talked about our families, our lives, our fears and hopes and dreams. He was super patient with me and didn't run away when I told him everything (sorry mom) that I had been through. He asked me if I was ok, and then told me he was honored that I could talk to him about it. I can't believe I would ever say this again, but I trust him. He is good with his money, and fair with his emotions and heart. I would be honored to be his wife and the mother of his children should God see fit. If he isn't the one, that's ok with me. He is definitely the prototype.
I'm smarter this time too. I took my time, because I would rather be alone than to be in an oppressive love. We do not live together. I have explained that I feel that he will respect me in the long run. We aren't virgins. Can we have something new should we decide to get married? Can we make it easier on ourselves if we break up? Im not on a race down the aisle. He isn't either. He's in his 30's with no children, and has never been married. Just like I like em :)-
If we don't make it, its okay, because as much as I think I love him, I love me more!!!!
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